Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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