Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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