I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
