this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
