i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
