I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
