I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
