I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
