no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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