So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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