I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
