I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
