i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
