Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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