you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
