oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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