last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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