i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
