I think I died a long time ago.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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