Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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