The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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