Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sorry my hands just texted you
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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