I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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