He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
