Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
