i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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