You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
