i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
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I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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