he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
