I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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