Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
