I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.