I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.