why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
