i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
These tits shall not be calmed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Text me some of your sweat
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
