I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
