My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its about making memories worth repressing
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
