Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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