he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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