i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
