imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
