Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize