found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A+ Viking dick
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
