The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
