Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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