Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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