Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
