I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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