I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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