She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
