i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
