She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
