How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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