I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
