Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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