The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
