i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
