Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
