Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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